The Left Hand of Dorkness

I have an Xbox 360 video game console. I am left-handed. This is a problem.

It is a problem because every single video game controller made for this console is designed for right-handed people.

The controller is designed with the assumption that you will use the right thumbstick to look/aim and the left to move. This is fine for right-handers. Left-handers, however, prefer (in some cases, absolutely need) to move with the right stick and look/aim with the left - just as we do with computer mice, pens, brushes, scissors, handguns, etc.

While certain A-level games like Halo 1/2, Gears of War and Call of Duty have what are called "Southpaw" control options, where the triggers and sticks can be switched, many other games do not have anything. In my own Xbox 360 experience so far, Lost Planet, Saints Row, Dead Rising and most Xbox Live Arcade games including Doom and Assault Heroes make no effort to accommodate left-handers.

Add to this the inexcusable fact that nobody makes a left-handed XB360controller; not Microsoft, not MadCatz, not Logitech, not Nyko, not GameStop. This drives me almost to the point of rage; Microsoft is designing every kind of gizmo imaginable to interface with the XB360's wireless support, even one to enable the console controllers to work with Windows, but I can't get a goddamned left-handed controller? Another victory for the PC, I guess.

Indeed, this is an old problem. With the notable exception of Nintendo's Wii, video game console systems have always punished me for being left-handed. I have had to grin and bear (grip and bear?) the lack of left-hand support for 30 years now and I have had enough. Why shouldn't I and the millions of other left-handers have a proper controller? I've actually sent letters and made calls to Microsoft & peripheral makers about this. Their responses ranged from blasé dismissal to incredulity that anyone would even ask for such a thing.

Of course, Microsoft could simply produce (or authorize another company to produce) a proper mouse & keyboard set for the XB360, which would solve this whole left/right handed thing once and for all. Microsoft could also make it mandatory that game developers include alternate control options in their XB360-licensed games. Don't hold your breath.

Well, screw them all. I want some left-handed hardware. I want an actual, for-real Southpaw Controller. If I can't buy one, I'll make one or pay someone to do it for me.

Pursuant to this, I found and downloaded a guide to modifying the XB360 wired controller for left-handed use. Since my using a soldering iron is expressly forbidden by the New York State fire code, I contacted the author and asked if I could pay him to do one for me. It turns out that he gets a lot of these requests, so for $60 (including the cost of the controller) he switched the wires on the triggers, thumbsticks and thumbstick buttons. The ABXY buttons and D-Pad are trickier, so I asked him not to bother.

It works like a charm. I tried it out with XB360 Doom, Saints Row and Dead Rising. All good so far. This is the best $60 I ever spent. Well, except for... uh, never mind.

The fellow's name is Ron Alexander. With his permission, I am posting his email address here:

rondcrasher (at) yahoo (dot) com

(Email written thusly to avoid harvesting by spammers.)

This is a stopgap measure, of course. I still want an official, authorized, professionally-made Southpaw Controller. We left-handers should have them. We've waited long enough.